I wrote this stream of consciousness one afternoon in early September during my conference period. It had been on my mind for weeks at this point, and I just felt the need to express it. Get it out on paper. Cope with the worry that was troubling my heart. No thoughts on correct punctuation or spelling, just thoughts that were (and sometimes still) weighing on my heart.
It reads:
"I Worry...That Henry is going to feel left out and lonely when the baby gets here. That with a new baby, Adam and I will find it tough to make the time to play with him. That we will be preoccupied and just so busy and so tired. That I will cry the first time and every time I realize that I haven't made the time to play. That Henry might not sleep on the bed with us or want to be cuddled like he does not. Because of the baby. That he might not like the baby or worse hurt the baby because he feels replaced. I worry that the baby will be afraid of Henry and they will not have a relationship. I worry that this all sounds silly. "He's a dog," people will think or say. But to me Henry is not just our dog. He is our first baby. He is our baby and always will be. With feelings and real personality."
I truly believe that Henry was brought into our lives for a reason. That just a four pound ball of fur was meant to be in our home four years ago. He was meant to teach Adam and I lessons in parenthood..in responsibility, in compassion, friendship, love, and caring for something with basic and emotional needs. And Henry was brought into our marriage to show us the kind of parents we will both be. It is something so special and makes my heart melt when I hear Adam talking to Henry about "when he was just a wee pup..." So special to hear him refer to him as "sweet pea" and "buddy," and always wave goodbye to him when we pull out of the driveway. Taking him for walks each night - rain or shine because he knows that Henry looks forward to it everyday. Having Henry has shown me in so many ways that I married a man who will be a wonderful Papa to our kids. He already is with Henry.
And so you may say that "he's just a dog," but to me, I am his mama and he is my baby. My first born. He may not be able to tell me with words that he feels left out or lonely, but I hope with my heart of hearts that he will not feel that way when the baby gets here. I hope and pray that he will always know the love in our hearts that we have for him now and especially after the baby gets here.
As I type this tonight, tears are streaming down my face. It could be the hormones. But it's most likely because I truly just love my Henry. That four pound pup that was placed in my arms four years ago has grown to twenty pounds of pure love and joy. Twenty pounds that has my whole heart and always will. And I could not imagine him or us any different for many years to come.
Thanks for dropping by :)
